PPS#113 | 5 Love Languages

How did the heart learn to love?

Simple, it learnt to beat more when happy.

Hence, a happy heart equated to a happy life.

Reason being why the strong emotion of love and a strong beating heart was passed on from generation to generation. As one of our greatest keepsakes.

What do “words of affirmation”, “quality time”, “physical touch”, “receiving gifts”, and “acts of service” have in common? Well, they are all ways of showing love.

In Gary Chapman’s best-selling book titled “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”, the author talks about what he calls “the five love languages”.

If you’re interested to find out more about him here’s the link to his website,

Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

Dear Patient Reader,

Though Chapmans’ love languages are directed towards building and strengthening healthier relationships between spouses: The thing is they make sense to anyone and for anyone you love and want to actively have a better relationship with.

If you’d like to learn about Chapman’s 5 love languages in a glimpse, here’s a break-down for you.

Let’s start off with “Words of Affirmation”

This excerpt explains and exemplifies “words of affirmation” as a love language very well. “Words speak volumes; they can break or build something. What rolls off the tongue is a powerful tool. “I love you” and “I appreciate you” or unsolicited compliments could be a person’s primary love language. Ignoring this is perforating holes in your boat of love and a person may fall out of a relationship because their emotional needs, what they need to hear, are not being met.”[1]

Quality Time

When you succeed in making time for someone, it creates a significant positive impact. This is especially true when quality time is a primary love language for either.[2] Quality time spent with children, for example, creates a crucial developmental impact in the formation of childhood experiences. A child is more likely to remember time spent in close proximity with a parent. While reading their favourite book or playing a board game, compared to having received an expensive gift. Quality time in other words is “I’m here and present with you.”

Physical Touch

Another very straightforward explanation of a love language, that of “physical touch” is: “Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating love. Holding hands, kissing, cuddling, intimacy, and so on revitalise love especially if physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional self is filled, and they feel secure in the love shared with their significant other.”[3]

Gift Giving

Gift giving is important – Its emphasis is on thoughtfulness and it is tangible.[4] Visualise someone’s face lighting up as they show you the present or thoughtful words written on the card they received from someone special in their life. Small to big gifts, physical symbols of care and attention, make all the difference.

Ending with “Acts of Service”.

“Acts of service” involves doing things that someone will like you to do for them. The love language of “acts of service” involves intention and time. Doing an act of service translates into paying attention to their needs and taking the time to do it. It entails actively seeking to please and serve to make someone happy and feel loved. It could be cooking, cleaning, taking the person’s broken laptop to a technician,[5] or buying groceries. Thus, easing the load off, usually concerning responsibility and chores, the person who is receiving the service.

For further information, an extract which exemplifies the convergence between personality type and love languages is as follows.

“Thinking types (especially TP males) often place high value on words of affirmation. They want their partner to verbally acknowledge their value and their accomplishments. The image that comes to mind is a hunter returning to his tribe after a successful hunt eagerly awaiting affirmation for his accomplishment. Which also reminds me of my dog proudly showing me the sixth bird he caught, and killed, waiting for the precious few words of “good boyyyy”.

By contrast, feeling types commonly prefer gifts or quality time. Unlike thinkers, they are less interested in receiving “practical” gifts, instead preferring those conveying the “just because I love you” or “because I was thinking of you” sentiment. This can of course prove challenging to thinkers inclined to seeing such expenditures as silly or frivolous. But the same thing could be said about words of affirmation. Are they really necessary? Couldn’t they be viewed as superfluous as well?

This is not to say that our relational expectations are never excessive, extreme, or in need of modification. A.k.a individuals who feel entitled and victimised, when it isn’t the case. Which is pure narcissism at play. Certainly individuals, lacking sufficient self-love or self-esteem, expect too much from their partners, and from people in general. Others may gravitate to the opposite pole, perhaps seeing themselves as wholly independent or self-sufficient. This is why self-awareness and personal growth are also critical to maximising relational health and happiness.”[6]

We can, though, be a mixture of both the thinking and feeling types. In this case, one of the types will be more dominant than the other. Consider this as your dominant and recessive personality type. Similarly we can have more than one love language. This is termed as our primary and secondary love language. A valuable asset. It is good to remember that excessive demands and expectations stray from what love actually is. We love people the way we want to be loved but we all receive love in different ways.[7] Whether it be advice, material things, signs of affection, or quality time. Whatever it may be, love comes in many forms. That said, love can be healthy or unhealthy.

From what you have just read, is that we all experience love in different ways. What might be an expression of love to one may be the very opposite of affectionate to another. Which makes love very complex. We all know that already. In verbal and written language, we won’t understand each other if we don’t speak the other’s language. The same goes for love, if we have no grasp over what type of love language we each gravitate to, appreciate, and expect from a family member or significant other, it gets hard to understand signs of discontent. Of what we’re doing wrong, or could do more of by putting in the work and effort. Which makes clear communication and yes, some research, a plus.

Like the languages we speak and write in, each has expressions particular to its region/country of origin. This is why Chapman refers to such expressions as languages. If we don’t understand the language in which the concerned person prefers to give and receive love[8], there will easily be misunderstandings.

Of the five love languages, we typically gravitate toward one or two of them (sort of like our preference for the dominant / auxiliary function of our personality type).[9] The various personality types dictate and account for our natural expressions of love. Expressions of love are all too often missed, underappreciated, or misinterpreted altogether. Which can make making amends or maintaining a balanced relationship very difficult. These insights can also be a little difficult to accept at first. Our ego may feel hurt, angry, or frustrated by stark differences in love languages. We may find it awkward or feel it inauthentic to love in ways that don’t come naturally to us.[10] However, nothing worthwhile comes easy. Try it out. Ask a few simple questions, do some digging. You may be in store for an eye-opening surprise.

Till the next.

P.S. Check out this very concise graphic created by fiercemarriage.com

P.P.S. The next post is titled “Grosso modo Komodo dragon”.

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References

[1] https://1stnews.com/types-of-love-languages-that-you-need-to-apply-in-your-relationship/

[2] "Ibid." [1]

[3] "Ibid." [1]

[4] "Ibid." [1]

[5] "Ibid." [1]

[6] https://weirdfella.tumblr.com/post/111914755074/love-languages-relationships-type-by-dr-aj

[7] "Ibid." [1]

[8] "Ibid." [6]

[9] "Ibid." [6]

[10] "Ibid." [6]